The Official Logs of Joshua 'P'

Sex Stew

2011-01-26T21:31:00.001-08:00

Hey gurl,
whatcha doin'?
Hey gurl,
whatcha brewin'?

I got a SEX STEW
for you
I got a MIDNIGHT RUN
for two
When we get under the covers
I'll make you my lovah

Hey gurl,
Whurd ya go?
Hey gurl,
Whatcha know?

Hey gurl,
I'm a mess
Hey gurl,
I like ya dress

I got a SEX STEW
for two
I got a PEARL NECKLESS
for you
When we get under the covers
I'll make you my lovah!

*musical break down*

*spoken* Girl, the first time I saw your body, I just about came...unglued
And girl, the first time I touched your body, I fell in love witchu
So now I'm in my kitchen of love, preparing somethin' special for you
Just you and me, girl, and my sexual stew!!!

I got a SEX STEW
for you
I got some GENITAL FUN
for two
When we get under the covers
You'll never find another lovah!

SEX STEW!

Fucking ass MySpace.

2009-11-26T13:22:00.000-08:00

THE LATEST FROM DJKALTERAPHINE

Download.

Enjoy it, for real this time.

I'll never top aggressive virgins.

2009-03-11T23:35:00.000-07:00

(Bouncy; bass driven; very Electric Six; Lots of gusto; 6/6 time signature - I think)

Have you ever been to medieval town?
On the road to Gold and trade?
Up to your EYES in elf maidens
Just there for you to fornicate!

(Spoken) Y'know what I'm sayin'?

You're talkin' to some girl, who
Reminds of your dead mother
When she SHOWS you somethin' in her pants
That makes more like your brother

(Spoken) Don'tcha hate when that happens?

(4/4 time signature for chorus)

I'm talkin',
Blue girls, in big black boots
Green girls, to be the envy of you
Exotic ladies, of all shapes and size
Doin' things, that would make Prince cry
No matter how kinky or erotic I be

I ain't never going to top an aggressive virgin

(HUH!)

Taverns and ale, chasin' pixey tail
On my journey for REVENGE
I got a sob story, I'll hog all the glory
I named my sword the MASAMUNEEEE!

AND FINALLY

I reel in my fish, we go for the kiss
She's stradling my S~IDES!
I maintain my control, as I go for the goal
When she whispers me all, (Spoken) "(( brb, wife aggro ))"

(Spoken) Blue balls aaaaagain? What's a Shaman gotta do to get his totem wet, y'all?

(Guitar solo)

(Chorus)

I'm talkin',
Blue girls, in big black boots
Green girls, to be the envy of you
Exotic ladies, of all shapes and size
Doin' things, that would make Prince cry
No matter how kinky or erotic I be

I'll never top aggressive virgins

(Spoken) It just ain't gunna happen, man, I tell you. Them Trolls girls ain't got nothing they want from me, not when Sir Pissthis Skullfornicator is lookin' the demon who killed his parents! And who does this guy think he is? Dark Lord Malkeyon Skyrunner, leader of the underworld? How am I gunna compete with THAT? (Fades) Every time man, I tell ya, every time. . .

Hokujin Goes to a Forest

2009-02-28T02:43:00.001-08:00

The people of Holst Shire were a simple kind. Farmers and traveling salesmen mostly populated its modest boarders, fueling an economy that relied largely on the trading of crops to the much bigger surrounding towns. But they considered themselves the lucky ones, the folks of Holst Shire. Every season was beautiful, the soil was always rich, and the community was tight-knit. And as long as these three factors remained steady, no one saw anything fit to complain about. That was until two years ago.

A woodsman, by the name of Darian Deacon, had gone into the boarding Nilsson Forest for his usual day of lumber gathering. That night, the full moon beaming down upon the village, the woodsman didn't return. Next morning, the town awoke to a terribly violent murder. A farmer, his wife, and his eldest son, had died in the attempt to save the life of the farmer's younger children. And while this would be enough to rock the foundation of simple Holst Shire, what was truly stunning was the perpetrator. Eye witness accounts of the bloody attack, including the children's, had revealed that not only was the executor not from Holst Shire, but it hadn't even been human.

Since that time, the once peaceful farm land had grown to fear the lunar cycle. At that time of the month, the people would move their crops away from the village in the daylight, and come night, they men would stand sentinal; Each prepared to fight the beast to the death. And many did. The body count rose to 13, a substantial number for such a small community. Panic gripped the citizens of Holst Shire, and soon families began to move away - far away from the curse of the werewolf.

"Ruddy cowards." Old man Sten Miller growled. His rifle laid over his lap, one gnarled hand upon it, and the other grasping his pipe. He took a drag off of the hand-carved smoke, exhaling with a snort like an angry bull.

His sandy-haired adult son, Fredric Miller, sighed and shook his head. "Is it cowardly to want to protect their family, father?"

"'Swhat're you think we're doin'? Think I like sittin' out here, freezin' my bloody hair off my chest?" Sten grimaced indignatly.

"A couple old rifles and two weary farmers might help you sleep at night, but you can't fault folks for wanting a less fearful life for their families." Fredric argued with little conviction in his voice. It was evident that this disagreement was common-place between these two.

Before Sten could open his mouth to make the retort about having owned land here for seven generations of Miller's, a galloping noise in the distance caught the pair's attention. Eyeing his father fertively, Fredric stood from his chair, clutching his rifle. Sten rose, and the father and son slowly crept toward the sound. They made certain to watch the other's blindspots.

But if they were expecting to meet a muscular man-sized wolf, with greasy, matted fur, they were most mistaken. Instead, the galloping appeared to be coming from a horse. A large, dirty white stallion, draped in basic battle equipment, and a rather slow-looking expression. Indeed, had the steed been without a rider, it would have still been cause for alarm - it was quite huge - but holding the reigns was a man.

Hokujin Doujin, the Master Bombardier of Alexander, was not just any man. He was a Paladin. A sworn protector of righteousness, a symbol of hope, caster of judgments, and an expert of all-things 'Bomb Smithery'. He was quite a short man, though by the way he held himself it was hard to tell. His slightly wrinkled, mild-aged face beamed with the sort of confidence few individuals experience for more than five minutes of their life-time. He wore poorly cared for platemail, that looked like it hadn't seen a blacksmith in years, and had been shined by a child. Over his eyes, he wore a pair of smudged goggles. Slung around him, a heavy war hammer, and a pack full of explosives. His lengthy brown hair was usually kept pulled back, untidily, out of his face. Tonight, however, it was set in two elaborate braided buns, complimented by an assortment of colorful flowers. This unique hair-style was the handywork of the other person on the oversized horse.

Lydea Enine Antipatos Marisella Arquel'malas, sometimes called 'Arke', Junior Bombadette and Paladin Apprentice, stood on the back of the horse, humming happily as she adjusted and arranged the plants in the Paladin's hair. She was a runty little common elf, with jet black hair that was pulled into buns like her Master's - though, admittedly, not quite as elaborate or as many flowers. Her long, pointy ears swayed pleasantly as she weaved her head back and forth, apparently taken with the tune in her head. As far as dress was concerned, she looked like Hokujin in miniature. Considerably lighter, and cleaner, platemail was called for, as she was so small. Her goggles bore pink lenses, which matched the pink shirt just discernable beneath her chest piece. She also possessed a rucksack filled with engineering supplies, and a smaller war hammer hung over her back.

"Brian - Oh, Sir Brian
Bravest Knight of Alexander
Brian - Oh, Sir Brian
Paladin of the purest forge"

Hokujin sang along with Arke's humming. She joined in to sing the second verse.

"Brian - Oh, Sir Brian!
Defeater of the Undead Scourge
Brian - Oh, Sir Brian!
Greatest will, and strongest courage"

They met each others be-spectecled gaze, and finished together with broad smiles.

"And he fought the trolls
Be-friended the orcs
Found a dozen men
Beat the Ogre-kin
Saved all the Dwarves
Hunted Dragons for sport
Formed ties with the Light
And never lost a fight!"

"The hero of heroes! Sir Brian Brou!" They ended in fantastically off-key harmony.

Sten and Fredric exchanged perplexed looks.

"Greetings!" Bellowed Hokujin jovially as he spotted the father and son.

"Who might you be?" Sten growled, eyeing his eccentric hair style.

"Ah yes!" The Paladin hopped off the horse, his little sidekick clung to his back as he did so. "I am Hokujin Doujin, Master Bombardier of Alexander, and Holy Lightsmith!"

Arke clamboured off his back, facing the men too, echoing Hokujin's confident beam. "And I'm Lydea Enine Antipatos Marisella Arquel'malas! Junior Bombadette and Apprentice of Lightsmithery!"

"Nice name. . ." Fredric said, uncertainly.

"Thanks!! My daddy came up with it all by himself!" She said brightly, and as if in doing so, her father had done a great deed for all of humanity.

"In common-speech, please." Sten grunted.

"We're Paladins!" Hokujin exclaimed with excited vigor. "We were passing through the neighboring village with some companions of ours, when we heard about your 'furry little problem'." He grinned.

The old man seemed to take this quite patronizingly. "Did you now?" He sneered. "I suppose that's what we been doin' wrong, Fredric. Not enough flower-haired idiots with little girls in our village. Might have scared the werewolf away ages ago if we had."

"Silly!" Arke giggled. "Our flowers won't help us stop the werewolf, though I'm happy you like them!" She beamed.

"If it were that simple, we wouldn't need the hammers!" Hokujin chuckled heartily, smacking Fredric on the back in revelry - with perhaps a bit too much force. "Now, come Billiam! We have a wolf to catch!"

The dim-looking horse snorted, and followed the man and the girl was they made their way toward the forest.

Fredric rubbed at his shoulder. "Wait!" He shouted after them. "You can't be serious! Fighting it by yourself, that'd be suicide!!"

The Paladins paused, turning the face the men.

"Miss Lydea, tell these fine gentleman what I taught you about Paladins and suicide." Hokujin smiled at his precious student.

"Yes sir!" She looked seriously at the men. "Paladins can't commit suicide, because we can't go to hell."

Hokujin beamed with pride and affection.

The Paladins turned back toward the Nilsson Forest, and tread on at a brisk pace.

"Should we help them?" Fredric asked his father.

"Would serve right, to get 'emselves killed." Sten said in his grizzley voice, though he was smiling.

The Nilsson Forest was certainly a sight to behold - and behold it they did, the Paladin's maces each glowing with a bright, illuminating golden light. The plant life was rich and green, the result of the great soil of these lands. As they walked on, the plants began to get stranger and stranger. They were still quite common types, but many were uprooted and ripped to pieces. Certainly, it was fresh, and the culprit was nearby.

"You see that, Miss Lydea?" Hokujin pointed a gloved finger at the surrounding bushes, near a cave. They were ravaged, and the cave looked like it had seen much brighter days.

Arke peered at it breathlessly, then looked back up at her master. "Do you think that's where the monster is, Sir?"

Hokujin nodded. "I'm positive."

"What do we do?" She said slightly fearful, but mostly in high expectation.

"We smoke it out, of course!"

"Smoke it out? Oh! A smoke bomb!"

Hokujin chuckled. "Smoke bombs are for lesser Bombardiers, my dearest student. But every Master Bombardier knows that, where there's smoke - " The Paladin dove his hand into his explosive pack, tossing a freshly lit stick of dynamite at the cave. "There's an explosion!!!"

The forest shook. Not with the booming eruption that was the Master Bombardier's explosive, but from the yowling, blood-curdling rage bellowed by the striken werewolf.

Hokujin removed his glowing mace from his back swiftly, holding it in front of himself in preparation for the on-coming beast.

"Stand back, Miss Lydea!" He said, and she obeyed, preparing her own hammer for battle.

The werewolf came tearing from the cave on all four limbs. It snarled and growled, blood and saliva dripping from its open jowls. Its heavy, muscular fur-covered body moving through the night with alarming speed. And it pounced.

SLAM! Hokujin brought his heavy war hammer down hard onto the wolf's overlarge head. It howled in confused fury, shaking it's head as if to bat away the ringing in its ears. It swiped at Hokujin in blind retaliation, and the Paladin parried with his mace's hilt. He grinned, throwing a small, plastic explosive onto the forest floor behind the werewolf. Pulling his mace away from the beast, Hokujin kicked out his left leg into the wolf's chest, sending it roaring onto the floor below. The Paladin jumped back, shielding Arke as the werewolf landed on the mine. The mixed sounds of howling and fiery retribution rent the air apart.

"Easy enough!" Hokujin beamed down at his student.

Arke looked back up at him, her face etched with reverence. "That was amazing, Sir!!"

He smiled broadly, and Arke gasped. Burning yellow eyes charged through the night, and a filthy claw whipped through the golden light of the hammer's, busting the beaming Paladin in the side of the head. The force of the blow lifted him off the forest floor, sending him toppling over several feet away.

"Goggleface!!" Arke panicked. She hadn't called him this particular pet name since he had taken her on as his apprentice, but in her horror she had forgotten to be formal. Grimacing, a tear dripping out from under her pink spectecles, the runty elf lifted her own glowing hammer and landed a hard blow into the wolf's stomach.

The werewolf stumbled back, howling. But before it could regain its footing, Arke drove another hammering swing into the wolf's chest, successfully knocking the wind out of it. Momentarily stunned by her own effort, Arke paused to take in what she had done. And that was all the time needed for the werewolf to shake off her attacks, and lunge forward for another assault.

Hokujin's gloved hands shot through the air, clasping onto each of the wolf's wrists. Standing between the girl and the werewolf, goggles lop-sided, the Paladin grinned.

"Miss Lydea!"

"Y-yes, sir?"

"When a Paladin cannot use his hands or his feet, what does he use?"

She thought for a moment, then exclaimed. "He uses his head, Master!"

"Percisely!!!!" Hokujin shouted as he headbutt the werewolf in the jaw with all of his considerable might.

Sten and Fredric were running now - frightened by the sounds of battle, which had finally ceased, the feared the worst for the Paladins. But they needn't. The glowing golden light pierce through the forest, and Arke, Hokujin, and Billiam the horse came toward the pair with the air of victory. And there was one other - the woodsman, Darian Deacon, wrapped in Hokujin's cloak and laying on the back of the massive horse, while Arke tended to his wounds. Hokujin walked beside Billiam, waving at the men.

"Greetings again! You'll be pleased to know that this man will never become a wolf again." He grinned.

Fredric looked astounished. "But how did you. . ?"

"Miss Lydea?" Hokujin looked up at his prized student.

"It was easy!" She beamed at the men. "There is not Holy resistance!"

Nature still sucks.

2007-11-21T04:49:00.000-08:00

I sound like Dr. Kelso in that episode of Scrubs where his nose gets messed up. Sniffin' and making all sorts of noise. Nature is total bullshit.

I need ya right now. (Right now.)

2007-10-05T15:56:00.000-07:00

"My Name Is Earl" season 3 is auf die chain. The last two/three episodes (the premier was two episodes combined) have been some of the best shit they've ever done. Exciting twists, to hilarious results. Oh man. I'm going to pirate them just so I can get my laugh on, again.

Yes.

Extra yes.

I'm not a big Smallville guy. I think with all the bits here-and-there I've seen, I've probably only seen one episode. But I'm downloading the latest episode. Why? Fo' my favorite super hero - Supergirl.

I'm looking forward to seeing how TV execs want to go about doing Kara. I know I'd do her. (Laura Vandervoort, not Kara.)

2007-09-13T20:09:00.001-07:00

I did this about a year ago here.

"I Shall Exterminate Everything Around Me That Restricts Me From Being the Master", the latest effort from our dear Electric Six. This time, they shatter their own records by doing 16 tracks, with no fillers, no interludes, just 100% SIX. And it is a set up that (largely) works well.

Negative stuff first; Running at 50 minutes, I feel like (at least now, at my sixth listen) it may just be too long. Or at least, my favorite songs seem placed so closely together, that there are a few gaps where I get noticeably less interested in the album. This was never a problem with their other three albums, and something I love so much about them.

Here's what I mean. .
Track Listening (my favorites in bold)-
1. It's Showtime!
2. Down at McDonnellzzz
3. Dance Pattern
4. Rip It!
5. Feed My F***in' Habit
6. Riding On The White Train
7. Broken Machine
8. When I Get To The Green Building
9. Randy's Hot Tonight
10. Kukuxumushu
11. I Don't Like You
12. Lucifer Airlines
13. Lenny Kravitz
14. Fabulous People
15. Sexy Trash
16. Dirty Looks

The wait between 13 and 16 is almost discouraging.

The weakest track of the album is definitely "Sexy Trash". The lyrics are very entertaining overall, but the music is boring, and a bit agitating at times. I also think that "Fabulous People" is almost unbearably dull against the rest of the album. It isn't a terrible song, but it seems like it drags. . and it's only 2:27 minutes long.

Now this isn't necessarily negative, but it may have that connotation; The opener, "It's Showtime!" doesn't work as well as Switzerland's "The Band In Hell", but I didn't expect it to. It's right up there with the openers of the other two records, though.

The positive now; It's only those two songs I've got a problem with. There are some (the other ones not in bold) that I'd hardly say are favorites, but they're class tracks nonetheless! Lots of diversity on this album, as to be expected from E6. And being how there are so many songs, it really has something for everyone. I'd say, on the whole, this record really feels like an album full of singles. Many of these could be picked up by multiple styles of stations, and would all bring in totally different audiences. I really hope they take advantage of this; their marketing on the last two records has been abyssal.

The lyrics are a very important part of an Electric Six song, as fans and Dick Valentine have all said many, many times. This album only improves in that area, with the most varied and interesting lyrics from Valentine since his solo "Smog Cutter Love Story", as The Dirty Shame. He's got a great support band now, and they really let him go nuts with lyrics - and the three albums that have come since the old band quit (from "Fire" and The Wildbunch) have really shown this.

Take into consideration that the original band didn't like "Dance Epidemic". Yeah. I know.

Overall, I've got to say, this album deserves a firm 8 1/2 out of 10 stars. In spite of all my criticism, the stuff that is good, is really just THAT good.

Cheers.

How ever do they know?

2007-08-31T07:01:00.000-07:00

The world's most crageful super hero.

2007-07-25T13:28:00.000-07:00

"CRAGE", or "Crazy Rage".

Marathon reading through "Supergirl", which is quickly becoming one of my favorite books, I selected some of my favorite shots of the blonde bombshell cousin of Supe, dishin' out the major crage -- or in some cases, MAXIMUM CRAGE.

Occasionally, witches will try to use "majika" to defeat our heroine, mentally. She chooses to combat with method with a punch to the head.

When Lex Luthor brings out S.G.'s dark side with black kryptonite, instead of getting a powerful ally, he gets his shit wrecked.

The Candor/evil godly Superman saga was quite confusing -- but this I could understand. (Supergirl is in the one in the black, breaking arms.)

S.G. doesn't need books, she's too adorable. And there's that whole perk about being stronger than Superman.

Super G., takin' out ninja assassin mutants the only way she'll ever need; With pure croage. (Crazy Roage)

No means no, Powerboy.

Seriously bro. Harsh.

Lil' Supe proves that, while no one can take the lasso from Wondergirl, she can still be fried with hatred.

S.G. is put in kryptonite shackles; After beating up two of the outsiders, she breaks them away. She later contested she left them on during the fight just for fun.

'Nuff said.

And after all that, Supergirl gets a firm talking-to.

Cheers.

Let this be a lesson to all the haters.

2007-07-24T17:04:00.001-07:00

If you liked Beyond the Maze, or Out of the Void, you'll love Beyond the Void!

2007-07-18T10:08:00.000-07:00

Let be start off by saying, I've been having trouble with the latest section of the "Deutschland" arc over at Klahad, so to remedy this, I went exploring the good ol' Demonoid ('cause I'm a conman), and I stumbled upon greatness.

I present to ye,
Beyond the Void.

A powerfully melancholy German band from Munich, of the Darkwave persuasion. Roaring guitars that bring H.I.M. to mind, lyrics and melodies reminiscent of Zeraphine, with vocals and synth work that simultaneously remind me of Sven Friedrich and Scream Silence (a band that takes many cues from Sven, anyhow). They don't distinctly sound like any one of these, the biggest bands of the genre -- but their subtle hints combined with their own, unique talents as musicians make this band wonderful to both rock and mope along with (I know, I've already done both).

This group is for anyone that likes the three bands I mentioned above. Seriously. They get me excited.

Cheers.

The Return of the Reel Big Fish

2007-07-12T16:28:00.000-07:00

"Let my point my finger at your nose
No it's not funny."

Aaron Barrett and crew return after being gone for. . . I dunno, an hour? Anyone who has been following the Fish since they were dropped by Jive Records in 2006 knows that they've been mad active, independently operating. With the legendary "Our Live Album..." of summer '06, and their Duet split E.P. with Zolof: The Rock and Roll Destroyer from earlier this year, we've had no lack of everyone's favorite cleverly titled ska band - and that doesn't stop them from delivering.

Apparently, the direly named "Monkeys for Nothing and the Chimps for Free" started simply as a B-sides albums. But eventually Barrett started writing new songs for the records, and before they were done, they had a 10-track record full of new material; plus 7 more songs from "back-in-the-day". Among the b-sides is (my) favorite "I'm Her Man" (as quoted at the top of the article).

Letting the songs weave into my brain cells and sink into my skin for a bit, I've got to say; I like this album. It never takes itself seriously, all the songs have a nice feel to them, and its very dance-able. All points I expect from a Fish album, to be sure. Stand out songs would definitely be "Another Day in Paradise", "Live Your Dream", and "The New Version of You". But it's missing something.

It doesn't rock as hard.

While it has everything else I love about the Fish, it just doesn't rock like "Cheer Up!", "We're Not Happy..." and, to a certain point, "Why Do They Rock So Hard?" - But it has enough fun, funny, and smooth stuff to make this album worth it. Plus "I'm Her Man". Seriously. Good shit.

On a side note, this album is the Farewell of original bassist Matt Wong (aka Mattwong aka the Thunder), as he decided to step down from the position in favor of raising his newly born child. An admirable move, and I'm sure we will all hope the best for him.

Cheers, little fish.

Post script -- All of the b-sides rock majorly. "Hate You", "Til I Hit the Ground" and "Cannibal" are freakin' awesome.

Post post script -- If you haven't listened to Aaron Barrett's old side project, The Forces of Evil, now is the time to do so. That bassist, Derek Gibbs, is taking up the helm of 'The Thunder'.

A bit of news + best porn add ever

2007-07-11T05:26:00.000-07:00

I just found this on the net -

Note the second entry. This cleverly named barely legal web-stud looks to be down trodden, clearly stressed by the demanding duties of his job.

"Hey, yeah, Barry. . Yeah, Ninja Master. Uh huh, I'm uh. . I'm not getting any hits. I, uh, I have a few theories. . . but I think you and I should get together, and y'know. . hash this out."

That's what I read in his face.

Also, I think I'm going to start doing movie reviews with this thing. I've seen quite a bit this summer, both new and new to me, and I'd like to maybe give a go at it. They probably won't be very in depth reviews every time, but rather snip-its of several movies en masse.

Cheers.

Fatness, Mr. Goodbar, Faggots, Gay training camps, and ADAM.

2007-07-06T23:44:00.000-07:00

It is no secret; I'm a big, fat guy. Really fat. I could probably kill you if we ever made love. That's how fat I am. More appropriately, if we ever made me-smashing-you. But in my vast years of fat experience (or fatrience), I've yet to see a full size candy bar for either 'Krackel' or 'Mr. Goodbar' (two candies I make reference to in my shitty comic.).

Does anyone actually buy those "fun-size" mini bags of chocolate bars for the Hersey?

What does everyone like more, Krackel or Mr. Goodbar? Everyone who likes Mr. Goodbar more, add a comment saying 'Goodbar', and everyone who likes Krackel more, leave a comment saying, 'I'm a faggot'.

It's alright, I can say faggot. I'm gay. Actually no. So does that mean I can't say faggot? What's with that rule? The faggot rule?

What if I had planned on considering a switch of teams? Would I be allowed a trial period in which to test out the benefits of being gay? Like saying faggot, listening to ABBA, and masturbating to "300"'s Leonidas? And in that term, would I be kicked out of boy scouts, or since it's a trial, and not official, I could stay in boy scouts? Is there like, a gay pamphlet I can check out? Maybe a gay office and some gay officials I can speak with about making the switch?

Furthermore, how does one acquire the gay accent? Is there a gay training camp you can attend? These are things I want to know. So I can bring you, the fans, the answers.

Or I just spend too much time alone with my thoughts.

I was going through some of my art, and I stumped upon some gems.

Say hello to my pride and joy, my little boy, ADAM Teixeira.

Let's be honest with each other, for the longest of times, I never wanted kids. Partly because I'm irresponsible, and partly because I hate anything that cries. But one day, my life changed when I realized I wanted a son of my own. A little boy with a cheap bowl-cut, bug eyes, and a temperamental scowl.

Y'know the kid I'm talking about. The one you see in the grocery store who seems well-behaved enough. He's standing still, hands at his sides, staring down at the ground. That is, until you get closer -- and see he is trembly, nay, absolutely seething with hatred.

We all went to school with this kid. He was the first kid to use curse words around you, was always in trouble, and would never share anything. At recess, he would play by himself -- either killing bugs or punching the tether ball for the entirety of the period. Once a week, he'd make a little girl cry. And he usually wore a diaper.

Because he HATES TOILETS.

Abusive, chronically hateful, and eternally unhappy, ADAM is the boy every father dreams of. (or maybe just me)

Cheers.

Post Script -- For ADAM's namesake, take a gander at this musical group; ADAM, the world's most hateful, piss-mad band.

Raven teaches us a very important lesson. (Also; Best comic book ending ever.)

2007-06-26T15:48:00.000-07:00

What're y'all doin'?!?!?!?!

2007-06-04T05:10:00.000-07:00

. . . steppin' in on my juice?!?!?!?!

Gay Adoption

2007-05-19T13:30:00.000-07:00

I see no reason to segregate orphans. They're already orphaned, isn't that enough?

No really, gay adoption is a rather hot topic riding on the heels of gay marriage. And beasitality. Ooh, you gotta love those religious right guys. But seriously, I think I see their concern. Y'see, it's already hard enough to tell who and who isn't gay. The only tell-tale factor left for the poor common man is the gay accent. If a child is raised in the gay community, then it will confused everybody. So what I say is; Gays, get rid of your accent. Just like news casters get rid of theirs. It should be easy, gays are good with their lips and tongues.

Cheers?

The Best of Joshua (2004 - 2006)

2007-04-08T00:06:00.000-07:00

These are some of my favorite articles I wrote on these internets in the past few years. A bit of history, I started doing these on a Star Wars game clan forum in 2004 as "DJKalteraphine Spinnin' You Some Phat Beats!", then again on The Malandro Studio in 2005, and MySpace in 2005 - 2006. So, this is the best of Joshua from 2004 to 2006. The "tracklisting" goes a something like this;

Greedy Environmentalist Assholes
Oh the controversy
Mistaking your ass from your armpit
Prophet of Satan
Contemporary feminism is bullshit
Horror movies make me want to kill (you)
The Marriage Protection Amendment
I'm going to start a band

Enjoys.

Greedy Environmentalist Assholes
I think we can all pretty much agree that eating kicks ass. It's so awesome that we have the ability to eat unlike those stuck-up Arabs in Mexico. How uncivilized. Any-dang-way, I was at Taco Bell this afternoon, where especially eating kicks ass, and I, like most people, had to use the lavatory. It happens to the best of us. After taking a 'Wiz', I made my way steadily over to the sink to wash my piss-stained palms (I have a crooked penis, hooks to the right), only to come to the conclusion that they had no fucking paper towels. Instead, in their place, was this:

I friggin' hate these things. First off, they never get my hands clean, and second , they have a bunch of environmentalist propaganda written all over them. Things like, "Dryers help save trees" and "Dryers help keep this establishment clean." Oh, ho ho. Clean, eh? I pissed all over it. Relentlessly. And I urge you to do the same. Also, I've decided that every time I see one of these, I'm going to throw away a clean, unused paper. Be it a paper towel or a tissue or what have you, it's going in the trash. Wasted. Because hand dryers suck.

Another thing that pisses me off about environmentalist is how greedy they are. They're never willing to compremise, and so they come up with bullshit like 'global warming' to scare us all shitless. Hey, I know something that's a lot worse than global warming, and it's actually happening tens of thousands of times faster.

The destruction of the fucking Sun.

Y'know, that big-ass ball in the sky that kind'a lets us live, and keeps all these friggin' trees alive. It's going to blow up into a fiery ball of death, and swallow our entire planet whole -- So what the hell is the point of trying to 'save it'? There is none. The planet is going to die, and us all along with it. Deal with it. It happens. In the mean time, wipe your ass and forget about those piece of shit 'Water Toilets'. That's the worst idea since the Do-It-All. Literally does it all, my ass.

Cheers, and may the force be with you.

Oh the controversy
I heard a really dumb thing on Myspace earlier today. It was simply retarded. A little miss Amada said "I strongly believe that the government should not dictate what women can and cannot do with their bodies; therefore I am pro-choice." Wow. What sageful insight! So what you're implying is that, and let me know if I'm wrong, but that the Government, the people in charge of Governing, shouldn't Govern. Fearing this may have perminatly gave most of you a stomach flue, I'm going to try to explain this in pictures. Hopefully I can shead some light on this situation.

What the hell are they supposed to do?! Make everyone Funnel cake?! You're friggin' Brilliant. While we're at it, lets have it so the police can't uphold the law, and that someone with a high paying job can't have any money. You commies don't make any sense any more! As I'm already on the subject, like me say something else -- Why the hell is it called "Pro-Choice"? Aren't you choosing to spread your legs in the first place, skank? Aren't what you're really doing is ducking away from responsiblity? So maybe it's time for a name change. "Anti-Responsiblity". I even have nice solgan for you. "Forever we are anolesant". Good job, people. You've vilified half of the US for wanting to give everyone the same right to life that you got. Hypocrite.

"But DJKal. . Caler. . .Caller? . . But DJCathrine, what about young girls that are molested? They never made a choice". No. They didn't. But it is an insult to the thousands of couples over the world that can't have children, and want them, to kill yours. It's like having an extra Cheeseburger that you can't eat, but your buddy's still hungry. Give it to them. You don't need it, or want it. They do. The burger will serve a purpose. Infants are kind of like Cheese burgers when you really think about it. Actually no. They aren't.

Whilst I'm going over things that 'The Government shouldn't Govern', let me side-track over to the luminous "Gay Marriage". I have no problem with it. Do it. I don't care. If Tony and Pablo want to make it legal, then do it. If it really proves that much, then go on. Just stop filling my forms of Media up with your stupid jabbering. YES, you're here. YES, you're queer. I'M FRIGGIN' USE TO IT. Go vote on it. If it still doesn't pass, then deal. I still want to make the legal age for pornography lowered, but I'm not going on television and making an ass out of myself about it. I can still look at porn, though. And you can still be gay. Hey!! Check it out, a loop-hole. Wow, that's God damn amazing. YOU CAN STILL BE GAY DESPITE ONE PETTY LAW!!! Who would've known it?! MAN, I should do this kind of thing more often.

"But DJKatrina, sex is a way to express love for each other. Are you saying that we shouldn't make love unless we want a child?" More or less. I'm not going to say, "YOR IN SIN!! The grasp of Satan as bestowed upon you! Stop that dag-blasted dancin', foolist sinner children!!" Of course I won't. That's how 'Footloose' got started. But you shouldn't do anything without the consequence in mind, and fully prepared to take it. FURTHER MORE -- Sex, or "making love", isn't that CONCRETE way of showing a loving affection for each other. In fact, it hasn't a thing to do with it. When your Man gives you the remote, it means he loves you. When you're girl lets you play video games for a few hours without nagging or subtle hinting that she's getting bored and frustrated, this means she loves you. Sex is to make Babies. So isn't it being hypocritical to have sex, and then kill that baby? Yes. Yes it is. This is why more people oughta beat their children. You think too much and want to make everything peaches and sun shine. And that's how the intelligent and achieving democrats became hypocritical communist, socialist, hippy teenagers. They really should change the party's name. It disgraces the likes of JFK and LBJ, who worked hard so everyone can be treated the same and have the same opportunities, only to have the Liberal hippies of today say that shouldn't be that way. Go to hell.

The Old School Donkey. Cheers.

Mistaking your ass from your armpit
Folks, I come to you today with an urgent message. Stop posting chain messages and shitting up my computer screen. When you post a Bulletin, it should be of just that; A bulletin. Some piece of useful information which is to be noted by the community of friends you have here at Myspace. Not stupid shit like, "If you don't sign this, your Myspace is deactivated." Yeah. Real smooth. Anyone who fell for this is officially retarded and should never get a driver's license or permited to drink. Ever. Or hold sharp objects. What I'm trying to get at is; You're a completely inept freak with less intelligence than my fifth grade teacher. Seriously, she sat Ricy, myself and Andy all next to each other. Totally fucking mistake. Also, those chain messages that talk about 'the perfect things that perfect lovers do', 'ten things all guys should do', etc. are really getting on my fucking nerves.

Some examples taken from a real one;

"Girls: During a movie, if he puts his arm around you, tilt your head on his shoulder
guys: lift her chin up and kiss her."

Fresh Alternative: Guys: Punch her in the face and remind her that you're trying to watch the fucking movie, not make out.

"Guys:Put your hands around her waist firmly
girls: lay your headback on his shoulder and put your arms on his."

Fresh Alternative: Girls: Elbow him hard in the crotch and remind him that he has to marry it first.

"Girls: When you want to cuddle with him, tell him you're cold
Guys: automatically move closer to her. (if your stupid then you'll
either say" me too " or you'll give her your jacket... don't)"

Fresh Alternative: Guys: Give her the damn jacket. And then let her know five minutes later that you're freezing your nipples off. Thanks to her. And, what the hell, punch her again.

"Guys: When she tells you she loves you, look deep into her eyes, give her a peck on the lips, and tell her you love her too... and
mean it."

Fresh Alternative: This one is by far the most asinine and hypocritical thing the female mind has ever squandered. 'Mean it'. Oh yes, you ought to know. How you mean everything you say. Like how you meant you were cold, and meant to go to a movie to actually watch it. Yes, it's the man that made a pass at you because they're all horny perverts that can't live without you. Of course you can, though. It's not like you've ever deceived someone to get 'further' with them. But ladies, what if they don't 'mean it'? What if they DON'T love you? Then I offer this Alternative, Guys: Burn her face off.

The moral of the story is that chain letters are for morons that think a bunch of randomly written text can determine just who you are and what your life will be like. Lets not forget the threatening nature of some of these. "Reply in 30 minutes or your love life will be horrible for the next 17 years!!" Eh, so what's another 17, anyway?

Cheers, fucktards.

Prophet of Satan

DJKalteraphine [12:31 P.M.]: Yo.

Victim [12:31 P.M.]: whos this

DJKalteraphine [12:31 P.M.]: Joshua "P".

Victim [12:31 P.M.]: ...?

DJKalteraphine [12:32 P.M.]: How's your morning going?

Victim [12:32 P.M.]: <.<

Victim [12:32 P.M.]: i dont kno you

Victim [12:32 P.M.]: it's o.k.

Victim [12:33 P.M.]: How'd you get my screen name

DJKalteraphine [12:33 P.M.]: Ah yes, that's good.

DJKalteraphine [12:33 P.M.]: From a friend.

Victim [12:33 P.M.]: who?

DJKalteraphine [12:33 P.M.]: Satan.

Victim [12:34 P.M.]: ...

DJKalteraphine [12:34 P.M.]: Care you join the revolution against God?

DJKalteraphine [12:36 P.M.]: The unholy Goat will bring us all to peace, as we slay the unrighteous. Laying to waste the countless ignorant fools who follow the "golden" word of Christ.

Victim [12:36 P.M.]: ....

Victim [12:37 P.M.]: answer me. Who are you

DJKalteraphine [12:37 P.M.]: I am the prophet of Lord Lucifer. I am Joshua!

Victim [12:37 P.M.]: ....-_-

DJKalteraphine [12:37 P.M.]: Join us!

DJKalteraphine [12:38 P.M.]: We have candy. .

Victim [12:38 P.M.]: -_- whoopie

DJKalteraphine [12:38 P.M.]: How DARE you say that name!!

DJKalteraphine [12:38 P.M.]: Whoopie is dead to me!!! The traitor!

Victim [12:39 P.M.]: o.O

DJKalteraphine [12:39 P.M.]: I trusted him. . . I. . Loved him. . .

DJKalteraphine [12:39 P.M.]: It's too painful. . .

DJKalteraphine [12:39 P.M.]: Only the power of the Beast can heal me.

Victim [12:39 P.M.]: <.< ...

Victim [12:39 P.M.]: ok...like i care?

DJKalteraphine [12:40 P.M.]: JOIN US!!!!

DJKalteraphine [12:40 P.M.]: WE SHALL KILL HIM TOGETHER!!!

Victim [12:40 P.M.]: o.O ok.

DJKalteraphine [12:41 P.M.]: Bringith your sword or bow, and meet me at the clock tower!!! I'll be waiting!

Victim [12:41 P.M.]: o_O ...where at?

DJKalteraphine [12:41 P.M.]: The. . Clock tower.

DJKalteraphine [12:41 P.M.]: You'll know!!!

Victim [12:42 P.M.]: o_O

Victim [12:42 P.M.]: no

Victim [12:42 P.M.]: i dont kno

DJKalteraphine [12:42 P.M.]: Yes you do!!

DJKalteraphine [12:42 P.M.]: The power of Goat will guide you!

Victim [12:43 P.M.]: o_O

Victim [12:43 P.M.]: yeah...surree

Victim [12:43 P.M.]: so tell me. Who is this really\

DJKalteraphine [12:44 P.M.]: A prophet of Satan! Anti-Christ! Do I have to spell it OUT for you?! I'm going! Meet me at the friggin' Clock Tower!!!

Victim is away at 12:48 P.M.

Victim returned at 12:50 P.M.

Victim [12:45 P.M.]: <_< ...do u kno me?

Auto response from DJKalteraphine [12:45 P.M.]: Now I stand here with my arms outstretched

Breathing clearest air

I've found everything I've lost before

And when I fall I fly in endless circles

No one catches me, no one stops me anymore

"Dusk" by Dreadful Shadows

Victim [12:48 P.M.]: IM ON MY WAY! OH FELLOW SATANIST!

Victim [12:54 P.M.]: Location: Modesto, California, dah Valley, USA

Victim [12:55 P.M.]: <.<

DJKalteraphine [1:23 P.M.]: Where were you?

Victim [1:23 P.M.]: <.< i was in hell

DJKalteraphine [1:23 P.M.]: No you were not!! Do not try to trick me!

DJKalteraphine [1:23 P.M.]: I waited for you at the Clock Tower for a HALF HOUR!

DJKalteraphine [1:24 P.M.]: You have NO idea how upset I am at you.

Victim [1:24 P.M.]: o_O i dont even kno yo

Victim [1:24 P.M.]: you*

Victim [1:24 P.M.]: I live in CT anyway

DJKalteraphine [1:24 P.M.]: When I tell the Dark Lord, he we surely consume your soul.

Victim [1:24 P.M.]: Hahaha!

Victim [1:24 P.M.]: I'd liek to see him try

DJKalteraphine [1:24 P.M.]: Oh! He's gunna!

DJKalteraphine [1:24 P.M.]: He's gunna get you! . . You. . .

DJKalteraphine [1:24 P.M.]: Uhm. . .

DJKalteraphine [1:25 P.M.]: Poop. . face.

Victim [1:25 P.M.]: o_O

DJKalteraphine [1:25 P.M.]: Hah!

Victim [1:25 P.M.]: o..k

DJKalteraphine [1:25 P.M.]: I insulted your face!

Victim [1:25 P.M.]: o_O wow...im so hurt?

DJKalteraphine [1:25 P.M.]: Of course you are.

DJKalteraphine [1:26 P.M.]: This is the power of the unholy Goat.

Victim [1:26 P.M.]: o_O ..

Victim [1:26 P.M.]: right

DJKalteraphine [1:26 P.M.]: You're only denying it.

DJKalteraphine [1:26 P.M.]: You love Satan.

DJKalteraphine [1:26 P.M.]: I know it.

DJKalteraphine [1:26 P.M.]: I can tell.

Victim [1:27 P.M.]: -_- yes i do

DJKalteraphine [1:27 P.M.]: Black backdrop, red text. You want Satan in your heart!

Victim [1:27 P.M.]: ...-.-

DJKalteraphine [1:30 P.M.]: Eu ofereço acima da alma deste ser humano unworthy a você, meu senhor escuro. 666, o número da besta, remanescerão intact em cima de seu coração, meu senhor escuro. Sacrafice I suas vida e vontade àquela do Satan grande! Lokar!!!

DJKalteraphine [1:30 P.M.]: Your soul has been sacraficed.

Victim [1:30 P.M.]: uh...huh

DJKalteraphine [1:30 P.M.]: Enjoy your stay in Hell.

DJKalteraphine [1:30 P.M.]: I'll be there.

DJKalteraphine [1:30 P.M.]: By the Clock tower.

DJKalteraphine [1:30 P.M.]: Meet me!

Victim [1:30 P.M.]: no

DJKalteraphine [1:30 P.M.]: . . . .

DJKalteraphine [1:31 P.M.]: No?

DJKalteraphine [1:31 P.M.]: NO?!

Victim [1:31 P.M.]: yes no

DJKalteraphine [1:31 P.M.]: Yes no?

Victim [1:31 P.M.]: No dammit

DJKalteraphine [1:31 P.M.]: What is this?! CHRISTIAN BABBLE!!!

DJKalteraphine [1:31 P.M.]: How DARE you speak the Black tongue of Christ here!!!

DJKalteraphine [1:31 P.M.]: You. . . You're no good.

Victim [1:32 P.M.]: o.O

Victim [1:32 P.M.]: -.- u dont kno me fool

DJKalteraphine [1:32 P.M.]: Aha! But I do! It is you that is the fool!

Victim [1:33 P.M.]: whats my name then?

DJKalteraphine [1:33 P.M.]: Cha. . . Cath. . . . Kathi. . . . Kei. . . .

Victim [1:34 P.M.]: no

DJKalteraphine [1:34 P.M.]: StoneRose9876!!

Victim [1:34 P.M.]: no

DJKalteraphine [1:34 P.M.]: Hah!

Victim [1:34 P.M.]: No

Victim [1:34 P.M.]: thats not my name

DJKalteraphine [1:34 P.M.]: I knew that was wrong!

Victim [1:34 P.M.]: -.-

DJKalteraphine [1:34 P.M.]: You just THOUGHT that I thought I was right!

Victim [1:34 P.M.]: no i didnt

DJKalteraphine [1:34 P.M.]: It seems I am the CLEAR winner here.

Victim [1:34 P.M.]: o.O no ur not

DJKalteraphine [1:34 P.M.]: Yes, I am.

Victim [1:35 P.M.]: ono

Victim [1:35 P.M.]: no*

DJKalteraphine [1:35 P.M.]: The power of the Great Satan won.

DJKalteraphine [1:35 P.M.]: You lost.

DJKalteraphine [1:35 P.M.]: Loser.

Victim [1:35 P.M.]: I am Satans daughter

Victim [1:35 P.M.]: what would you kno

DJKalteraphine [1:35 P.M.]: Satan has no daughters!!!

Victim [1:36 P.M.]: ...yes he does

DJKalteraphine [1:36 P.M.]: You're but a mere fool! A spy of Christ. . .

Victim [1:36 P.M.]: No

DJKalteraphine [1:36 P.M.]: Yes.

DJKalteraphine [1:38 P.M.]: Hah, see? I knew that I was the winner!

Victim [1:38 P.M.]: ...

Victim [1:39 P.M.]: Your a pathetic fool...and ur a waste of my time...a mear mortal like you...a wanna be demon...U know nothing of what u should kno...

DJKalteraphine [1:39 P.M.]: You don't know the first thing about demons!!!

Victim [1:39 P.M.]: ...oh? Is that so

Victim [1:40 P.M.]: what are u an angle?

DJKalteraphine [1:40 P.M.]: Y-yes. . That's kind'a why. . . I said it. . .

DJKalteraphine [1:40 P.M.]: I am no Angle!

DJKalteraphine [1:40 P.M.]: I do not SLANT one particular direction!

DJKalteraphine [1:40 P.M.]: SHUT UP YOU!

DJKalteraphine [1:40 P.M.]: YOU KNOW NOTHING OF MY WORK!!!

Victim [1:41 P.M.]: ...I dont need to. Ur work is uesless

DJKalteraphine [1:41 P.M.]: I know you are, but what am I?

Victim [1:42 P.M.]: ...I'm Eva...and your a pathetic mortal

DJKalteraphine [1:42 P.M.]: I know you are, but what am I?

Victim [1:42 P.M.]: ..hm...

DJKalteraphine [1:43 P.M.]: Hah! Stumped! I win with my demonic trickiery! Har-haha!!!

DJKalteraphine [1:43 P.M.]: You cannot defeat the Great Satan's Prophet!

DJKalteraphine [1:43 P.M.]: Especially not in a duel of wits!

>Victim [1:43 P.M.]: ...fool...u have not stumpted me...ur a waste of time

Victim [1:43 P.M.]: I dont bother with idiots like you

DJKalteraphine [1:44 P.M.]: Wha-grah?! Do YOU have ANY IDEA who I am?!?!

DJKalteraphine [1:44 P.M.]: I'M A PROPHET OF GREAT SATAN!!!!

Victim [1:44 P.M.]: You wish.

DJKalteraphine [1:44 P.M.]: I shall punish you for your dirty tongue!

DJKalteraphine [1:44 P.M.]: . . Err. . . Dirty fingers. . . .

DJKalteraphine [1:44 P.M.]: SHUT UP!

Victim [1:45 P.M.]: Heh...now look how stupid you are

DJKalteraphine [1:45 P.M.]: I know I am, but what are you?

DJKalteraphine [1:45 P.M.]: NO!

DJKalteraphine [1:45 P.M.]: I mean. .

DJKalteraphine [1:45 P.M.]: The other way!!!

DJKalteraphine [1:45 P.M.]: YOu're gay!!

DJKalteraphine [1:45 P.M.]: Gay guy!!

DJKalteraphine [1:45 P.M.]: Stop being Gay!!

Victim [1:46 P.M.]: .....hmph....

Contemporary feminism is bullshit
I'll say it again.

Contemporary feminism is bullshit.

Just so we're clear, once more.

Contemporary feminism is bullshit.

Make sure they can hear us in New York!

Contemporary feminism is bullshit.

Yes, that's right folks, contemporary feminism is bullshit. Not only is it overly redundant, its also retarded and doesn't make any sense. "We want our voice to be heard too, DJOver-used-joke!" It is. Females hold public office, have several of their own television programs, and share stock in big corporations. Heck, Senator and ex-Democratic President Elect John Kerry married Teresa Heinz to get her daddy's money! Just LOOK at the progress. IT'S FREAKING EVERYWHERE. But folks, contemporary feminism still exists. Yessir (or ma'am), feminism still exists to end double-standards! Y'know. The ones that negatively effect females. Those other ones? Heheheh hahah HAAAHAAH!! BUWHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!! Mhm. You guessed it. They don't give a shit.

Radical Feminist: "I want to play football with the guys, that's sexist that I can't!"
Reasonable Man: "But the female build is smaller and frailer than the male on average. You'd get crushed."
Radical Feminist: "Its my RIGHT to get crushed!"
Slightly less reasonable man: "I want to punch you."
Radical Feminist: "You can't, 'cause I'm a woman and can't defend myself against you."

This time, I wanna hear you all, loud and proud,

Contemporary feminism is bullshit.

This review of "The Incredibles" is what sparked this little angerfest. Months ago, when I read it. Y'see, I love that flick to death. If you haven't seen it, see it. It's got Jason Lee's chops, Brad Bird's story and directoral power as seen in "The Iron Giant", and the people at Pixar backin' the whole thing. Y'know, the power house that gave us "Toy Story". Yeah, those guys.

What do I think of this woman's review? Well the first time I read it, back in May of this year, I wasn't this angry. I sent the author, 'Ms.Razorblade', my thoughts. She never replied. That's what has me ticked. She's a coward and she knows what I said is correct. Her way of thought is dying. I never ranted about contemporary feminism on article format, 'cause why kick a dying horse? But the dying horse ignored me when I called her stupid, so I'm pissed.

Cheers.

Horror movies make me want to kill (you)
That's right, entertainment industry. I want to kill you. I am going to just fucking flip if I see anymore trailer's for sub-par flicks where the objective is to entertain the audience through extreme violence. In 2006 alone horror flicks have been coming out in pairs every month. I've seen more horror trailers than anything else this year and the one before it, and I'm damn sick of it.

On the personal side, I have reservations about horror movies because, when I see one, I get depressed. There's enough crap in real life, why do I need to pay $9.50 for more? That's ridiculous. And I think it's effecting how people view 'Hope'. There's a reason people coined the phrase 'everything sucks'. It was not because they were giving up. It was out of hope. A "no-bones-about-it" hope that it can't get any worse. But this is not why I'm mad about these films. Nope. Somewhere around Febraury of this year I gave up on that. I'm angry for a totally different reason.

Honestly folks, why would you pay 10 bucks for a nickle plot? It's the SAME FUCKING MOVIE everytime, just new deaths. "But DJKatalina, that's why we see the movies, jerk." THAT'S THE FREAKING PROBLEM DIPSHIT. By paying for this over-saturated market to exist, you're admitting that what amuses you is the most primal acts of violence so much that you'd love to see it two times in the same month, every month, for two freaking years straight. Ridiculous.

Now I'm not knocking violence in movies. That's retarded. I love Kung Fu films, they're glorious. But an action movie's violence is stylized, thought out and performed with a dance-like grace. Horror movie violence is Neanderthal at best. Some people say America is sinking. But how can America sink? We're too fucking shallow.

I hope you all die exciting, well choreographed deaths soon,
Cheers.

The Marriage Protection Amendment
Maybe some of you have heard of the new Amendment proposed by good old Doubya and his cohorts. The Marriage Protection Amendment will basically be an addition to the constitution of the United States that Marriage is between a man and a woman. This'll make it illegal for states and judges to mandate if they wish to allow the ominous Gay Marriage. Frightening.

Oh yes, gays getting married is a scary thing.

Now I lean to the political Rightwing on a lot of issues. I believe strongly in positive family values, and think if you don't have them, you shouldn't even be having sex. Not because it is a sin (I ain't that religious), but because you're a moron. But this Amendment is (and I think this is the technical term for it) retarded. Gays getting married ISN'T a problem with strong family values! I'd rather have two fathers than a mother that is addicted to pain medication and a father that is in jail. I don't. My folks are wonderful people. They're ideal parents, and I'm lucky to have them. Is it because there are one man and one woman? I doubt it.

Marriage is a pact that says you are willing to give the ultimate commitment to someone else. You are willing to sit through with them in even the toughest times. Half the straight population couldn't say they'd be willing to do that. My point being, it doesn't take a man and a woman to create unconditional love. So I propose my own Amendment.

"The Moron Protection Amendment" (As in, the protection from morons, and not for morons). My Amendment would be simple. Anyone can care anyone of there choosing. Any single person of there desire. But that's the catch. Only one person. Ever. You can get Divorced from them, but you can never get remarried, not even to the same person. Makes you think twice before proposing, now wouldn't it? Not just for the commitment to someone you love, but for the clear financial benefits. These things shouldn't be kept from gay people who love each other, but from gay and straight people who THINK they love each other, or get married for wrong reasons (i.e. Anna Nicole Smith). You can only do it once, and furthermore, once you're Divorced, that's it. Everything that was yours you keep, and everything that was your spouses, they keep. Mutual possessions are given to charities. No legal battle. You just get the hell away from each other.

Don't like my law? Eat me. That law is perfectly fair. Okay, so getting rid of mutual possessions is harsh, but these fuckers are morons, people. Got it? Good. Gay Adoption? No problem with it. It should be part of this Amendment. And heck, I just solved the Pro-Life/Pro-Choice debate! Don't want your baby? Let a loving gay couple have it. Please. People need good parents, reguardless of gender. So they don't end up like morons and piss off my children and their children after them.

Cheers.

I'm going to start a band
My brother had 'Fuse TV' on the other day, unfortunately. I happened to walk in on it before I left for school, and caught a glimpse of something so shitty, I thought I was going to shit myself -- They're called "Otep". Seriously, these guys are so friggin' horrible that I actually shat out my large intestines.

That's right, tattoos and screaming make you so friggin' attractive. . .

Apparently, this wasn't all. Oh no. Following this 'amazing' group of individuals 'Anti-Bush'/'Bush is a Nazi' music video (because we all know that's real God damn original), another stupid woman came on, talking with her filthy tongue and trying to be all 'controlling and sexy'. Not working hunny. Choke. She basically went around, talking to other Female-Metal screamers, making an ass out of herself. God, I hate people. How do these friggin' bands get signed?! They were HORRIBLE! But, I know a bandwagon when I see one. . .

I'm going to start a band. That's right. I want in on the cash, too. If I'm going to have to live while this shitty music is being produced, well, I suppose I should just make some friggin' money off of it, eh?

I already have a guitar, though I'm not savvy with it. Doesn't matter, though. I'm just going to be slapping the strings as fast as I can, anyway. I need someone with a bass, and someone who has drum sticks. A set isn't needed, because we're going to use boxes and plywood to record our drums. As for our lead singer, it needed to be a female to make sure we get the FULL trend. But why stop at a female? Why not go on to something even more trendier?

The Goat.

Meet my dog, The Goat. She's not only a female, but a dog too. She may not look like much, but the Goat is packed with quite a large vocal range -- Such as, Barking, growling, squeaking, moaning, and whining. All of what Otep has (the barking and growling), plus more! I just gotta set her up to a microphone, and let her do her thing, and then the rest of us will make some loud noise behind it. We'll call ourself 'Satan Jowls'. But it'll be pronounced with a soft 'J'. So, Yowls.

And so, if we're going to be a band, we gotta have an Album, right? Well, here's a look at the six-track demo we'll be puttin' together in the coming months;

Satan Jowls Front Cover.

Satan Jowls Back/Track listing.

It's only funny because it's all true.

Cheers.

My great, great, great, great Grandfather was a colonial genius.

2007-04-01T02:34:00.000-07:00

My family and I have been going through a lot of old family heirlooms we've had stashed away for years. Well, as it turns out, my Great, great, great, great Grandfather (Joshwien E.), who lived in Salem Town, Massachusetts back in the Puritan days, fancied himself a writer of social commentaries! These things often skip several generations.

Without further ado, a present Joshwien E.;

God bless America.

2007-03-15T00:04:00.000-07:00

Stephen Colbert's "AmeriCone Dream" is ice cream that makes you want to punch a communist. As I eat this delectable declaration of my independence (from foul tasting sweets), I come to question WHY America is so great. Or rather, how. How did a bunch of statesmen and farmers forge this, particularly infamous, nation? We're never satisfied. Only in America would someone say, "Y'know what? This vanilla ice cream ain't good enough! Let's make it chocolate! Then, let's put SPRINKLES on it. Fuck bowls too. Fry us up some whaffle, and let's make ourselves a cone! -- Then we'll grind it all up and call it a milkshake. And then, we'll pour coffee in it, and call it a Mocha Frappachino." I'm fairly confident that's how it all went down.

Cheers America.

Edit: I forgot about dumping ice cream into Root Beer and calling it a "Root Beer Float". Nothing more American than a Root Beer float - our boys in Japan practically survived off of them.

Spring is complete bullshit.

2007-03-14T13:47:00.000-07:00

Let it be said that April showers may bring May flowers, but March flowers bring Me-Really-Pissed-Off. Son of a freaking DICK I hate the spring. I literally woke up with a large glob of snot flying out of my nose. Doesn't matter if I take my allergy medicine, blow my nose four hundred times, spring is always kicking my fragile ass. And I'm fucking tired of it.

Do we even need all these trees? Could we live off of the Pine varieties, strictly speaking? I propose, we eliminate all other plants except pine trees. And then, plant even more pine trees. And for Christmas, we'll just decorate the one the state fucking requires our asses to keep on our front lawn. FUCKING STATE ASSHOLES AND THEIR SAP JIZZING TREE BITCH. I hate them. I hate, hate, HATE THEM. Lemme break it down for you;

"But Joshua 'P', what about all those poor animals, blah, blah, blah pinko bullshit". Tell me, what have they ever done for you? Anything? Ever? No, not likely. In fact, they've probably just sat around on their stupid asses while they watch trees tear apart towns, countries, and nations. Yeah, I know what you're thinking now, "You just made those last things up."

CHEERS, asstarfs.

Musings of the bemused.

2007-03-13T02:17:00.000-07:00

Sometimes people ask me, "Gee, you're single, why is that? Don't you like dating?" Well alright, no one asks me that, but if they did, you betcha I'd answer something like this. . Lookin' for a girl is so disheartening, y'know? I spin my days working on comics, and don't really have a social activity to meet women. Well except the internet. I tried lookin' for a girl on MySpace, but it seems you can only search by 18, sex, body type, location, and martial status. I'm too lazy to sift through all those profiles. . find someone that I actually like. I tried, man, I did. It was like. . . "Well she looks like a whore, let's see what are personality is like. Ah, what do you know? She left it with the last meal she purged." I think everyone should purge. Wouldn't it be funny if we were all a bunch of sick people, walkin' around? I think so.

It isn't like it's gets any easier from there. Dating for looks is so much work. "Sweetie, are you sick? You've been going to the bathroom a lot lately." "Oh it's nothing, sugar-lumpkin. I just had to down about a month's worth of caffeine in order to stay awake around your boring ass." I know what you're thinkin', "But the sex'll be worth it, right dude?" Hardly. Sex is so much work. You gotta spend all kinds of time and wallets full of cash to get her ready; buy her clothes, take her out, fatten her up a bit, all the usual stuff. But then you get back from the date, and she gives you that coy smile, "Okay, time for your reward". . My reward? Oh, that's great. Yeah. You're going to make me fuck you as a reward. Women hate being on top, known fact. So as a reward, I get to exert more energy on this broad? I'm gunna need a nap after all this work. . . Tell you what, you get on top, and I'll go to sleep, how does that sound?

And I'm a lazy guy too, man. I'm the kind of guy who won't go to the gym if I have to walk. "Ugggh. . . You mean I gotta WALK 2 miles to get to the gym?! Psht! Screw that! I'll just order a treadmill to keep in my living room. Put bowl of cheetos on top, no one uses those settings anyway. . . Turn on Murrey. Now this's exercise. Walkin' at one mile an hour, while eating cheetos and watching television." My grandfather use to say, "Work's for horses, and they turn their ass to it." I'm an out of shape guy. That's a pleasant way of saying I'm fat. Who came up with out-of-shape? Probably some fat broad. "Just because I'm not the same shape as you, don't mean I can't be sexy." More than not, yes it does. It's a foul double-standard, but it works. 'Cause us guys can be 300lbs, and still considered "handsome" and "attractive". Girls ain't so lucky, man. But I'm too lazy to start a movement. Or too shallow.

Don't get me wrong, I love the ladies. I just love not dealing with them. I got a thing for red heads. Not those fake ones, no, I'm talkin' freckled and ginger. It's adorable. But I never got this; why do they call it "red hair"? It isn't red. It is clearly orange. It should be called "orange hair", as that would be more accurate to the color wheel.

Colors wheels, those were a childhood disappointment. What stupid art scholar came up with the color wheel assignment? It just doesn't add up. Coloring kicks ass, and wheels usually mean you can get hurt somehow, so in turn, also kicks ass. But the color wheel is literally just coloring in blocks. Color wheels suck. Like Edger Allan Poe. Why does anyone still read him? He wrote a story about a heart beating at the end of every paragraph. He doesn't teach anything, since his phrasing are out-of-date, and they aren't good stories to begin with. Poe's self-pitying pre-emo literature is Journey annoying.

Ever been on a walk, because someone left a trail of jelly beans outside your room, and seen one of those guys drive up to the Stop Sign? Happen to me awhile back, and the guy stops and looks at me. I mean, like really glares at me. Revvs up his engine and then pulls out really fast. I never understood why people take such pride in their vehicles. But then again, I have funny, funny jokes to make up for my small penis.

Here's some Portuguese jokes. Once there were these two friends, Manuel and Frank, and they had both been seein' the same girl. Time goes by and she gets pregnant, but they're not sure who is the father. So Manuel tells Frank, "Look man, I'll go with her the day the baby is born, and if it don't look like me, it's yours." "All right", said Frank. The day come 'round, and Frank is waiting at Manuel's place for the news. Just then, Manuel shows up and tells Frank to get in the truck. "We gotta leave town, now." "Why? What's the matter?" Frank asked, "When they find out it takes two Portuguese guys to make a black baby, they're gunna kill us."

So this Portuguese guy walks into a hardware store tryin' to buy a new axe. He tells the clerk he's a lumberjack and needs to cut down a lot of trees. So the clerk hooks him up with a really sweet, state-of-the-art chain saw, and for a good price too. Tells the lumberjack he'll more-than triple his cutting efficiency. The Portuguese lumberjack leaves rather happily. He comes back in the next day not so happy. He tracks the clerks down and shakes his fist at him, "You sold me a bum product. You told me I'd cut better, but that piece of shit couldn't cut a cake." The clerk looks astonished. "Is it having trouble turning on?" The Portuguese lumberjack eyes the clerk, "What do you mean, 'on'?"

There's this company down south putting together telephone poles in a developing community. So they hire two large groups of guys, a bunch of Oakies and a pack of Portuguese fellas. Sends them out to put up the poles and all that. Well it comes 'round to quitting time, about 4:00, and the Oakies come walking in, the boss smiles, pays them and they exchange goodbyes. Well it soon becomes 5:00, then 6:00, then seven, then eight, and then nine. Finally, at 10 'til 10, the Portuguese boys come back, all sweating and tired. The boss looks at them incredulously. "What took you boys so long? Them Oakies were in done setting up those telephone poles at 4:00!" "Sure they were, but look how much they left stickin' up out of the ground?"

Cheers.

The Official Rules of Jack-Off.

2007-03-12T02:14:00.000-07:00

Not "Jack off", as in, the male stimulation of the penis. But rather it is a jerk off competition. Below I have listed the official rules of this favorite American past time between young boys, so that you too can enjoy the pleasures of a good Jack-Off.

OBJECT OF JACK-OFF
The Jackees (that is to say, the ones "jacking") are judged in three areas in an official Jack-Off. These are; Speed, potency, and accuracy. An unbiased, nonparticipating third party is considered an "Official" judge, and it is there duty to check on the contest immediately after they have "Zipped" (zipping the pants up after climax). Jack-Offs require a private room where the Jackees will spend their jack. A decent sized room with a lockable door are considered "Official", but a bathroom is favorable. Contestants are allowed ONE magazine the judge deems worthy of the competition. And ONE standard-sized, single-layered paper towel, with which to ejaculate into.

SPEED
Once the Jackee has shut the door on the room, the judge will begin timing the jack. The judge must then walk five feet away so as to not interfere with the Jackees' "aura". Once the zipping takes place, the judge will stop and take note of the time. Having the best time is worth three points, as it is critical to the Jack-Off. The times are judged down to the last second, so it is unlikely two Jackees will tie; Unlikely though they do, it is customary that tied Jackees receive one and a half points each.

POTENCY
The amount of semen present IN the paper-towel. Hands/pants/shirts/facial hair DOES NOT COUNT. The judge will determine how potent the "Jack Juice" (semen) is on a scale of 1 to 10. The Jackee who receives the highest mark gains two points. In the (rather likely) event two Jackees tie, two things can happen, as to the judge's digression; A Re-Jack, the Jackees Jack again, and the most potent this time gains the points; or a Carry-Over, where the judge determines from the Jackees performance in the other two categories, who did better overall. That Jackee then gets the points.

ACCURACY
This category measures how well the Jackee shot his load into the paper-towel. Any "Jack Juice" that arrives anywhere other than the paper-towel will count against the Jackee's score. Every contestant begins with 20 accuracy points, and they are subtracted by the following; Hand -1 (both hands, -2), pants -5, shirt -7, anywhere else in the room -10. Rips in the paper-towel will also count as -5 accuracy points, per tare. The person with the most accuracy points wins one point, and ties simply result in both contestants winning a single point.

JACK-OFF FOULS
There are many ways to get a "foul" in a Jack-Off. Each foul is worth a certain deduction of points. All Jackees begin with 3 Foul Points, and the loss of all three is instant disqualification.

1. A BAD SEED - The act of ejaculation in the magazine when it is deemed to be for sabotage of the other Jackees. -3

2. FOUL STASH - Smuggling more porn, toys, or other stimulants into the jacking area to help yourself finish quicker. -3

3. DIRTY FINGER - Fingering your anus as to finish quicker. -1

4. DISHARDENING - The fact of taunting your opponent before or during the jack with the objective of making them go slower. -2

5. SAUSAGE FOR YOU - The act of leaving your penis out after the "zipping" to prank the judge. -1

I hope that these rules have helped you to better understand the past time that is the Jack-Off. I will keep this updated if I think of more rules that I might have forgotten. Pleasant jacking!

Cheers.

Sexual deviants and degenerates.

2007-03-07T02:09:00.000-08:00

Y'know what really pisses me off? Herpes. Herpes commercials are really freaking annoying. Some stupid bitch is climbing mountains and riding bikes and running through sand with her hunky slice of man meat, and screaming on about how she has herpes. Big freaking deal, so you're a whore? I don't care. Now there is a point where my feelings go from apathy to pure rage - and an internet banner pushed me over that point.

"Herpes - Does it mean no more sex?" I should sure as fuck hope so. Listen, herpes isn't like AIDs. For one, it didn't take Freddie Mercury from us, and for two, herpes doesn't just "happen". For a disease, you'll have a hard time getting sympathy from me for having herpes. In fact, I think they're a nice mark that someone shouldn't sleep with your loose ass.

STDs wouldn't be such a plague if people would learn to fucking master themselves. How 'bout this little tip - if there's someone who you only like spending time with when you're connected via sexual organ, you probably shouldn't have sex with them. Proof that we were meant to be monogamist is in that being a swinger, more times than not, gets you sick or dead. Take a fucking hint, assholes.

Now I'm going to switch to another topic closely related to this one; Ex-convicts in the forms of sexual deviants. Why is it that all females (and most males) seem to think that the ideal punishment for rape is a few years in prison, and then to be watched their entire life? They want to put TRACKING DEVICES on ex-convicts that have been convicted of sexual deviances - ergo completely ignoring the freedoms that this country was founded on. I have a better idea. How about, instead of using advanced satellite tracking technology to pointlessly follow around now-innocent people, why don't we just make the initial law stricter? What the hell do you think someone is going to do when they're being watched and shunned? Rape, dipshit. Make the first sentence so insane, that no one will want to rape, let alone, rape again. I'm friggin' a genius.

Also, what is with Pornotube being filled with guys filming their penises? Seriously.

Sooner or later, God'll cut you down,
Cheers.

Edgar Allan Poe was a douchebag.

2007-01-22T17:15:00.000-08:00

Poe was a terrible writer. His works are one dimensional, generic and retarded. Yes, Poe was definitely a retard. He used over-the-top English to give his work a "fancy" and "romantic" feel. "But that's how people talked!" No, that's how HE wrote, because he's unoriginal and shitty. Edgar Allan Poe was the original whiny goth, and that is nothing to be proud of.

In my literature class, I've had to read his repugnant works, because he's an "American Classic". I take "The American Experience", as I am a Senior and it's the only subject I'm decent at. I've flipped through the text book, and I haven't found a single passage by Theodor Geisel. Or as you folks may know him, Dr. Suess. Ted Suess was a genius, Poe is an idiot. Suess wrote complicated issues into simple form. Poe took shallow issues and tried to make them look complicated.

Case and point, here's a passage from Edgar Allan Poe's classic hunk of dogshit known as "The Raven".

'Then, methought, the air grew denser, perfumed from an unseen censer
Swung by angels whose faint foot-falls tinkled on the tufted floor.
"Wretch." I cried, "thy God hath lent thee-by these angels he hath sent thee
Respite-respite and nepenthe from thy memories of Lenore!
Let me quaff this kind nepenthe and forget this lost Lenore!"
Quoth the raven, "Nevermore" '

Let me explain what he means; "I don't want to think about my girlfriend so stop reminding me." Horseshit.

Now, here's a quote from the Dr. Suess classic (and my favorite) "How The Grinch Stole Christmas".

'And the Grinch, with grinch-feet ice-cold in the snow,
Stood puzzling and puzzling: "How could it be so?
"It came without ribbons! It came without tags!
"It came without packages, boxes or bags!"
And he puzzled three hours, till his puzzler was sore.
Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before!
"Maybe Christmas," he thought, "doesn't come from a store.
"Maybe Christmas. . . perhaps. . . means a little bit more!" '

My point? Aside from Poe's work being uninspired, unoriginal and not entertaining in the least, I think the scholars have been focused too hard on work that will expand vocabulary, instead of expanding analyzing and comprehension skills. Seriously folks, when are you ever going to use have the words Poe uses? Out with garbage like Poe. It's overrated shit. Let's have literature with some depth to it, eh?

Cheers.